Lo’ Bob, Do You Like…. Pie?

Every year when I am with The Family for The Holidays I sucker myself into believing that I can bake the best pie that ever did pie. Some years are more successful than others, and last year was no exception – or am I thinking about the year before last. That must be it, it was Christmas 2012 and I baked Epic Fail Pie. My standard usual Drunken Apple Pie turned into a burnt hot juicy mess of a pie.

I know this recipe. I made it up so I should know.

Well two thirds of a bottle of port later, and I miscalculated the sugar. I thought I had put too much and in fact had only put in less then half.

The stout that I normally use wasn’t available and therefore the alcohol content was different.

I boiled the shit out of the syrup and it would not reduce. For two painful, bloody hours I whisked my little heart out and to no avail – it was just a hot non alcoholic mess.

After I finished making the pie crust, I sliced the apples and pour the hot mess on top. Put it in the oven and commenced on finishing the bottle of Dubonet.

I forgot about the pie until the smoke alarm had gone off.

Fast forward to Christmas 2014. I am in a new country, with new family, a somewhat new Husband.  We were invited to my mother in laws for a Christmas BBQ. I am still wrapping my head around this new concept, Christmas is in summer.

While The Husband and I battled the evil hoards at the Grockery Store, we discussed what we should make for Christmas dinner. We had a bag of frozen mock shrimp. Skewers and a mighty pineapple.

Then he requested pie. Memories came flooding back to me about the fateful 2012 Christmas, and it wasn’t pretty.

Somehow between cutting our way through the mass hoards we devised a plan to make Pecan Pie. My brain meats began working in tandem with my current battle through the mindless shoppers, screaming children, and Zombie Elves.

When we finally made it home – our little sanctuary in the valley of Nubeena, I started researching various vegan recipes for Pecan Pie.  Post Punk Kitchen had one that seemed reasonable – but we were out of silken tofu.

The ingredients that we did have

No Egg

Soy Milk


Canadian Maple Syrup


Vanilla Exract

Previously made vegan pastry dough


Sad Dark Chocolate – the reason why it is sad is because while we went camping we had left the chocolate out of the chilli bin and it melted in its packaging – we kept it just for this occasion.

I began to devise a plan of attack. I made a test batch of the filling before deciding on whether or not the recipe in my head was indeed full win.

As luck would have it, I had a full blown EUREKA moment.

Method to my Madness

1 cup Soy Milk

1 cup unrefined sugar

1 cup of Pure as the driven fucking snow Canadian Maple Syrup

1 tablespoon of Vanilla Extract

1 generous pinch of sea salt or cooking salt

3 moderate teaspoons of No Egg

1 cup of chopped toasted pecans

1 cup of raisins – totes optional

1 and a half tablespoons of dairy free margarine

The doings of things:

Preheat oven to 340 and  bake the damn pie shell.

In a small bowl stir the three teaspoons of No Egg into the soy milk. Make sure to stir until the No Egg has totally dissolved.  Set aside until the sugary maple crap is ready.

In a small(ish) pot / sauce pan doohickey melt sugar into the cup of Maple Syrup, add pinch of salt, vanilla extract and whisk that bitch. Whisk and whisk and whisk … on a medium to low heat – take off the heat once it starts to boil, continue whisking. Once it has boiled itself into a nice caramel colour slowly start pouring the soy milk and No Egg mixture in.  Continue to whisk. Add in the chunks of sad chocolate and stir until all the chocolate is melted and stuff.

Once it is all co-mingling and has started to thicken up add in the chopped pecans and raisins. Set aside to cool.

In a pan melt 1 and half table spoons of non dairy margarine and toss in the remaining pecans and add two table spoons of maple syrup and cook until all the nuts have been coated remove from heat.

Let the pie filling chill over night and pour it into the pre baked pie shell and top with the Maple Candied Pecans. Do not start drinking until you have finished assembling the pie! Seriously.

Otherwise you get this: Traditional Christmas Fail Pie

(this photo was stolen from my sister Daisy – thanks for carrying on the tradition of  Fail Pie)


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